Let's Get Real About Sex In Romance

Whips and chains. Thrusting bodies. Hot, spicy encounters.

Certainly, passion has a place in love and in romance novels. Most of us enjoy some escapism from time to time--and sexy abs aren't a bad thing, for sure.

However, some of the most common questions I get are: Why sweet romance? Where's the hot sex in your books?

In fact, some of the harshest criticism I've received has been about the lack of explicit sex in my books. 

Let me say this: My characters do have hot sex. It's just that most of it happens off the page, behind the scenes. Some of my book characters share some spicy foreplay and some sexually tense moments. However, I leave "the act" up to the reader's interpretation. Why, you may ask? I think it boils down to three reasons. 

1. I blame Nicholas Sparks

Nicholas Sparks has always been my writing inspiration. I've been a fan since junior high. I think he proves that love stories don't have to have explicit sex to be memorable, emotional, and effective. I think that subconsciously, when I started writing, he impacted the style of my romance.

2. I'm a teacher

I think it's always been a consideration that whatever I write may end up in students' hands. I teach high school, so the maturity level is higher. However, I still don't know that I'd want to look out to a sea of my book knowing there are some racy, racy parts in them.

3. (The most important reason) Love isn't all about sex

Over 17 years of knowing my husband and 7 years of marriage, I've come to learn that love is definitely not all about sex. No way.

Love is soooo much more complicated than the carnal needs we have. Sure, sexual chemistry is a huge part of our search for a partner. However, love is about so much more. Love is this powerfully complex, emotional journey. It's about identity and sacrifice. It's about struggle and triumph. It's about finding someone who builds you up even at your worst. It's about finding someone who not only accepts your baggage but embraces it.

For me, that's where the story has always been. I want to chase the complexity. I want to reveal the harder side of love, the more trying side of the emotion. I want to embrace the deep, emotional side of my characters and who they are together.

Sex plays a role in that, but for me, the more difficult and, thus, more engaging part of the story doesn't usually happen in the bedroom. It happens in a truck in the middle of a blizzard when sex is so far from even being a possibility. It happens in an assisted living center where an 80-year-old woman has completely given up on connecting with anyone. It happens in a small town where  a couple who is just too stubborn to admit they're perfect for each other flirts with the possibility of who they could've been.

So there are many reasons my romance falls on the sweeter side of the genre. I hope this helps you understand why I write what I write. 

What do you think? Do you like your romance on the sweeter side, or do you like more physical connection in your stories? I'd love to chat with you, so hit reply and tell me what you think.

Xoxo,

Author Lindsay Detwiler

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